I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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