Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
