Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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