I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
