i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
