Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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