the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
