Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
