Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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