The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
