well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
