I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
high people should be assigned attendants
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
