I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I am spending my child support on dildos
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
