so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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