um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
