Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
