Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
