So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
