i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
