I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
