I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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