btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
