I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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