Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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