fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
