The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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