He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Terrible idea I love it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
