She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
