well I can't set my house on fire every night
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
