There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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