I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
