he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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