no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize