watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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