i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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