you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
