it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
