At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
