My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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