yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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