Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I AM VODKA MAN
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
