I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Randomize
