I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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