stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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