I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
