I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
