I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
