she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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