I hate all girls vehemently.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
