I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
