So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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