I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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