he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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