and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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