You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You work out of a Hotel?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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