I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
